During the bloody catastrophe of Nightmare on Elm Street 2,
which broke all the rules established by the original,
she let me get to third base. Crooking my fingers
like a Bavarian priest reaching up the chimney to bless a smoked ham,
I suffered a visitation from doubting Thomas
in a red and green striped sweater,
the colours of which, he whispered, had been chosen
for their disruptive effect on the visual cortex.
from Useful Verses (Picador, 2017), copyright © Richard Osmond 2017, used by permission of the author and the publisher.